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0 comments / Posted by Alyssa Wolfe

I am OLD! Before you argue with me or reassure me that I am not, hear me out. I will be 35 on November 22nd of this year and while that may not sound old to the 50 something’s out there, it is ancient to the 20 something’s. 35 is when you are in the swing of life, I should have solidly figured things out by now. I am past the point where in 5th grade they ask you “what will your life look like in 20 years?” I am past the 20 something crazy self and I should have settled down to paying bills, never bouncing my checking account, having a decent credit score, and spending my weekends having brunch and watching kid’s soccer games. Well I am not there. I blame my husband for this. We started over at 29 and now at almost 35 we have a bank account that bounces more than it saves, a credit score that makes people suck their breath through their teeth and say OOOHHHH, and we are too poor to go to brunch or have our kids play soccer. Which is really sad because it’s the cheapest sport to play. All you need is a field and a ball for heaven sake.

There are a few things I do have to prove that I am closer to a mid life crisis than a drunken night in Virginia Beach and I was confronted with them just this week when Brian finally changed the light bulbs in the bathroom.  We are lucky enough to have a bathroom in our room. I know most people think this is normal but the house we lived in before this one had one bathroom on the first floor. I had 2 pregnancies of waking up all night and having to waddle my 9 month pregnant butt down a flight of stairs and back up again. Let me tell you at 9 months pregnant I was thinking of getting a big bucket to pee in and putting it in the corner of my bedroom. So I am still to this day 5 years later amazed at this little en suite bathroom! However, this bathroom takes the most neglect. No house-guests really use it so it rarely gets cleaned or maintained till my family comes to visit. When they do we have to buy toilet paper and put some light bulbs in there.  This is my problem, the light bulbs!! I look amazing right up until the moment those light bulbs go in. I have clear skin, fabulous dark brown hair, white teeth, and two eyebrows. Then the light bulbs come in and I realize I have been walking around town looking like a yellow toothed, grey haired, pimply Frida.  My head is having a mid life crisis. The hair has gone old, the skin still wants to be 16, and let’s not even bring up the witch like black hairs that grow out of my chin. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?? Once the light bulbs are in I will sneak off to the bathroom and pluck and prod. Like a magnet that only a mother alone in a bathroom can produce the rest of my family will appear and try to figure out what I am doing. I quickly slam the door in Brian’s face because some part of me doesn’t want him to ever think of me as anything other than that cute 19 year old he fell in love with.

I know you think at this point I am crazy, and not that old, and perhaps even over dramatic (which I’ll admit I tend to be) but I have proof. While the light bulbs had been out for sometime the summer after Harry was born I had let my hair grow out and get a lot of grey. I had all the kids playing outside when a car full of Jehovah witness pulled up to my house peddling their religion and one of the ladies asked if these 3 beautiful kids were my grand kids.  This really happened. To which I kindly but firmly let her know that the kind of Jesus she was serving up was one I wanted nothing to do with and that it would be best for her own safety if she turned around and walked back to her god mobile because these were my kids and you will not convert anyone by telling them they look like an old hag. Then I cried and went and got a box of hair dye and light bulbs. So if you see me around town and I am grey, and pimply, and have long black hairs coming out of my chin please send a text message directly to my husband and let him know it’s time to change the light bulbs in our bathroom!

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