0 comments / Posted by Alyssa Wolfe

Brian has had it. He has lived along time being outnumbered by girls and while he loves it most days there is one thing that gets that mans goat.....toilet paper.   He is constantly threatening to ration our toilet paper! He has secretly been plotting to make hash marks on the toilet paper, lock up the supply,or just let us all drip dry. The poor man is trying to somehow scientifically figure out how to make a limit of how much each of us are allotted each day/month/year. In desperation Brian has even gone as far as to hold "in bathroom seminars" where attendance is mandatory and he lectures/demonstrate to us  the "life skill" of how to properly reload the toilet paper roll. It's not his fault really, he grew up in a household with one lady in the house surrounded by men so he really has never understood the need for toilet paper every time you go to the bathroom. He continually complains about how much toilet paper we buy, how fast it is used up and mostly how annoying it is that someone is always screaming from a bathroom that they have none.

Brian: “WHY don’t you look to see if you have toilet paper before you sit down!”

The girls are not the only ones who do it. Toilet paper disappears around our house on a moment by moment basis. You can go to pee and have toilet paper and come back a half an hour later and be stuck on the toilet for ten minutes begging and screaming for someone to bring you toilet paper. Or in my case screaming “WHO STOLE MY TOILET PAPER!!” I have my own bathroom that on occasion I have thought about locking or at least getting a safe to keep the toilet paper in. Our kids use an extravagant amount which is part of the reason we never have any. They take the roll and wrap the toilet paper a good half a dozen times around their hands to make a wad that they wipe with. The toilet of course gets clogged once a day. We live in an old 1960s bi level that has plumbing that is inhabited by the devil himself. It was not built for the 2013 Charmin double ply luxury toilet paper and it lets us know that on a monthly basis.  Charlie is the main toilet clogging problem in the house. She has overflowed the toilet to the point where we are looking for beach towels to sop it up and running to higher ground. Her classic move is to overflow the toilet and when the water starts to spill out and rise on the floor she will jump into the bathtub for cover. Then you hear her screaming from the bathroom that she is trapped in the tub because the bathroom floor is covered in "poop water". This seems to always happen at the times I am trying to get dinner out of the oven with a baby crying. When Brian was going through the last throws of his dissertation this spring I was on my own with the three kids A LOT.  I was doing it all, running our small business taking care of the kids and trying to keep up with all the needs of our growing family, you know like having clean underwear and eating on a daily basis. I was of course alone with the kids trying to get dinner made when Charlie pulled her over flow the toilet move. With the baby screaming I grab towels and try and stop the water from overflowing to the carpet in the hallway. Charlie is in the bathtub perplexed how an entire roll of toilet paper would not flush, the baby is still screaming and I am on the phone with my husband trying to figure out how to shut off the water to the toilet because it was clear at this point beach towels were not going to be holding back the tsunami of poop water headed for the rest of the house. My jean cuffs are fully soaked in poop water at this point and I give up and take off my pants and throw them in to the hall. So here I am in a tee shirt and underwear trying to sop up poop water on the bathroom floor. Then of course like a page out of an old "I love Lucy" script the door bell rings.  This is always what happens when you are pant-less and covered in crap water.  Three nights a week we have people coming to our house to pick up cape work and on this night they were two hours early. I look up to see Penny headed to the front door and in my panic yell “WAIT!!! What are you doing I have NO pants on”

Penny in all her logic and sweetness simply said

“its ok Mommy I am going to answer it for you and tell them you can’t come to the door because you are naked and have poop on you!”

Problem solved.



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